It`s funny because it`s funny.
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
It`s so crazy in Hollywood.
When I started I`d fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn`t have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
My career is just kind of crazy.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that`s depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
I`m like a Dilbert cartoon.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
It`s just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I`m sure I will, but I`m just trying to postpone it.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
To be famous and broke is hard.
I have no detectable hair style.
Success? You can`t get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, `That guy s*cks! Have you seen him before? He`s horrible.`
"Success? You can`t get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, `That guy s*cks! Have you seen him before? He`s horrible.`"
"I`ve been with a beautiful girl from time to time."
"I just couldn`t have gone into a room where Chris was in a box." (on why he chose not to attend actor/friend Chris Farley`s funeral)