Mortimer Brewster: Even the cat`s in on it!
Jonathan Brewster: The home of my youth... As a child, I wanted to escape it. Now, I want to escape back into it.
Mortimer Brewster: (on the telephone) Yes, operator, I`d like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what`s taking so long? They`re just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don`t want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They`re busy? Busy? Look, they`re busy and you`re dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you`ve given me an idea. (throws down the phone in disgust)
Aunt Abby: Now Mortimer, you behave. You`re too old to be flying off the handle like this!
Mortimer Brewster: Look, Aunt Martha, men don`t just get into window seats and die! Abby Brewster: Of course not, dear. He died first. Mortimer Brewster: But how? Abby Brewster: The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don`t know why you`re making such a big deal over this Mortimer. Don`t you worry about a thing!
Dr. Einstein: Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride. Jonathan Brewster: He said I looked like Boris Karloff!
Mortimer Brewster: You didn`t want the reverend to see the body? Aunt Abby: Well, not at tea. That wouldn`t have been very nice.
Reporter: Seems like the same s*ckers get married everyday.
Mortimer Brewster: Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!
Jonathan Brewster: Teddy, I think it`s time for you to go to bed. Teddy Brewster: I beg your pardon. Who are you? Jonathan Brewster: I`m Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed! Teddy Brewster: No, you`re not Wilson, but you`re face is familiar. Let me see. You`re not anyone I know right now - perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
(to Jonathan) Mortimer Brewster: Where did you get that face? Hollywood?
(to Mortimer) Elaine Harper: We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put `em in a barrel and push `em all over Niagara Falls!
Jonathan Brewster: We better not leave the car parked in the street. It might be against the law.
Aunt Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide. Mortimer Brewster: Hmm. Should have quite a kick.
(Elaine is impatient to leave on the honeymoon) Elaine Harper: But, Mortimer - Niagara Falls. Mortimer Brewster: It does? Well, let it.
Teddy Brewster: Mr. Witherfork! Mr. Witherspoon: Spoon! (Mortimer hands him a spoon)
Martha Brewster: One of our gentlemen found time to say `How delicious!` before he died.
Elaine Harper: Well, that`s a fine thing. We`re married one minute and you`re throwing me out of the house the next. Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here? (pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper) Elaine Harper: Well how do you like that... Mr. Gibbs: I read that there was a room for rent here... Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!
Mortimer Brewster: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them. Aunt Abby Brewster: Yes, I did. But you don`t think I`d stoop to telling a fib.
Mortimer Brewster: Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
Mortimer Brewster: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt? Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don`t you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got? Teddy Brewster: Rooster! Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do? Teddy Brewster: Crows. Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa? Teddy Brewster: On the veldt! Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt! Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
(Discussing the body count) Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve. (Angrily grabs Dr. Einstein`s necktie) Jonathan Brewster: I`ve got thirteen! Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don`t brag. Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There`s Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona... Dr. Einstein: Phoenix? Jonathan Brewster: The filling station... Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh! (Slits throat) Dr. Einstein: Yes. Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia! Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn`t have died of pneumonia if I hadn`t shot him! Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Reverend Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn`t Teddy Roosevelt? Abby Brewster: Oh, no. Martha Brewster: Oh, he`s so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he`d be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it. Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn`t be anybody.
Teddy Brewster: (His first line) I must be catching cold. Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I`ve made fun of for years. Is this what I`ve come to? I can`t go through with it. I won`t marry you and that`s that! Elaine Harper: (Adoring) Yes, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren`t you insulted? Aren`t you going to cry? Aren`t you going to make a scene? Elaine Harper: (Adoring) No, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: And don`t "No, Mortimer" me either! Don`t... Don`t you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It`s old-fashioned, it`s... I... Ohhhh... (He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office)
Mortimer Brewster: This is developing into a very bad habit! I don`t know if I can explain it to you. It`s not only against the law, it`s wrong!
Elaine Harper: But Mortimer, you`re going to love me for my mind, too. Mortimer Brewster: One thing at a time!
Dr. Einstein: At least people in plays act like they`ve got sense. Mortimer Brewster: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence? Dr. Einstein: (agonizing) How can anybody be so stupid!
(last lines) Mortimer Brewster: No, no. I`m not a Brewster. I`m the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge! (he runs off across the cemetary) Cab Driver: And I`m not a cab driver, I`m a coffee pot!
(speaking of a character in a play he has seen) Mortimer Brewster: He sits there just *waiting* to be trussed up and gagged! (laughs) Mortimer Brewster: The big dope!