Gertie: Punch it, Chewie.
Ollie: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!
Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher: (class: "Are!") And what they...
Teacher: (class: "Mean to us!") Excellent droning.
Maya: That was kinda sweet. I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.
Ollie: (having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart) No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the sh*t his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.
Boy #3: My Mom says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of sh*t.
Bart: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
Greenie: You gettin' a dog?
Ollie: "Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.
Gertie: Thank you, Daddy.
Ollie: Anything for you, Gert. You know why?
Ollie: 'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.
Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!
Ollie: I hate you right back you little sh*t! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!
(Maya arrives at the front door)
Gertie: (to Maya) Hey! You're the lady from the video store.
Ollie: Let's not use that term too loosely, okay? Go back and watch your video.
Boy #5: Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.
Bryan: (reading his paper) My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he's so full of sh - .
Teacher: (interrupts him before he swears) Bryan!
Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?
Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.
Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?
Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.
Ollie: Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.
Ollie: Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend?
Maya: Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?
Ollie: I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid.
Maya: So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid?
Maya: That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.
Maya: Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.
Maya: I do it at least twice a day.
Ollie: Good God!
Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?
(Gertie and Ollie are at a video store)
Gertie: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."
Ollie: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?
Gertie: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?
Ollie: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?
Gertie: Can we rent this?
(gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black")
Ollie: (while examining the movie) Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.
Gertie: All those movies s*ck!
Ollie: Watch your language!
(Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section)
Ollie: They're just skinny because they're coked out wh*res.
Gertrude Steiney: (sobbing) I wanna' be a coked-out wh*re!
Ollie: Okay. You can be a coked-out wh*re. You can be a coked-out, coked-out wh*re.
Ollie: (to Gertie) You're the only thing I was ever good at.
Bart: If Gertie could see the sh*t you've been pulling.
Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.
Bart: That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.
Will Smith: What's your daughter's name?
Will Smith: Damn, why'd you do that man?
Gertie: Did Mommy like New York?
Ollie: Yeah, she loved it.
Gertie: Then I guess I will too.
Bart: Try acting like a father, sh*t-head.
Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.
Ollie: Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!
Bart: Not that, smart-ass.
Maya: I do it at least twice a day.
Ollie: Good God! (imdb.com)
Gertrude Steiney: (very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs) You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out wh*res, honey.
Gertrude Steiney: (now crying) I wanna be a coked-out wh*re! (imdb.com)
Maya: Man cannot live on porn alone. (imdb.com)
Girl #1: My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream, Jesus! (imdb.com)
(after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on)
Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?
Gertie: (thinking hard) Do you have what Brian has?
Gertie: (after thinking hard again) Is it as big as his?
Ollie: Sadly, yes. (imdb.com)