(about the new curtains Jane bought)
Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.
John Smith: All right, I don't like them.
Jane Smith: (pause) You'll get used to them.
Eddie: You gotta take this b*tch out!
John Smith: Don't tell me how to handle my wife.
Jane Smith: I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.
John Smith: Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.
Jane Smith: Well, so are a lot of girls.
John Smith: Oh, you're in trouble now!
Jane Smith: There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.
John Smith: (while dancing, after Jane asked what had happened to they're marriage) I have a theory, newly developed.
Jane Smith: I'm breathless to hear it.
John Smith: I think you killed us.
Jane Smith: Provocative.
John Smith: Why do you care? I was just a cover
Jane Smith: Who says you were just a cover?
John Smith: (pauses) Wasn't I?
Jane Smith: (comparing injuries with John) I can't feel anything in these three fingers.
Jane Smith: (referring to the pursuing cars) They're bulletproof!
John Smith: (having not heard and shot at the cars) They're bulletproof!
(on living with his mother)
Eddie: She cooks and cleans. And *I'm* the dummy?
John Smith: (comparing injuries with Jane) I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.
John Smith: We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
Benjamin: (while in the middle of the desert) Oh, look. More desert.
Mom #1: Eddie?
Eddie: (shouts) Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
Mom #1: (pause) Never mind.
John Smith: Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.
John Smith: (both pointing guns at each other; John drops his) You want it? It's yours.
Jane Smith: Don't! C'mon! C'mon!
John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.
Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.
Jane Smith: Have you been selling big guns to bad people?
Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?
Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.
Eddie: Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?
John Smith: (mumbles while chewing food) Laptop
Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.
John Smith: (swallows and says louder) Laptop!
Eddie: OK. Laptop.
John Smith: (after firing a rocket launcher) We should so not be allowed to buy these.
(both have discovered that they were on the desert and one tried to kill the other)
John Smith: I missed you.
Jane Smith: I missed you too.
Jane Smith: To dodging bullets.
John Smith: (during a car chase) I never told you, but I was married once before.
Jane Smith: (slams on the brakes)
John Smith: What's wrong with you?
Jane Smith: (hitting John) You're what's wrong with me John.
John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.
Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
Jane Smith: Paid actor.
John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
John Smith: Sweet Jesus! Mother of God!
Martin Coleman: Shame about the red oak.
Marriage Counselor: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?
Jane Smith: 8.
John Smith: Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...
Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.
John Smith: Ok. Ready?
Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.
John Smith: (at marriage counseling) Ask us the sex question.
Jane Smith: (whispers) John.
John Smith: (softly with his fingers out for ten) Ten.
John Smith: I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
Eddie: Did you get a look at him?
John Smith: Little thing. Buck ten, buck fifteen tops.
Eddie: Maybe he was Filipino!
John Smith: I'm not even sure it was a him.
Eddie: You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?
John Smith: I think so. A pro.
John Smith: (talking about their predicament) So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?
Jane Smith: Well, that would be a shame because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.
Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?
Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.
Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.
John Smith: She tried to kill me.
Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?
John Smith: (grabs assault rifle) I'm going to borrow this.
Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.
John Smith: (comparing injuries with Jane) Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.
John Smith: (after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon) That's all John, sweetheart.
Julie - Associate #1: (Jane Smith looks at Julie, shocked, after Julie detonates the explosive in the elevator John is in)
Julie - Associate #1: What? You said goodbye.
John Smith: (hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through) These doors are handy.
John Smith: (after having accidentally shot at his wife, Mr. Smith is on the roof of her car while she's trying to throw him off) Come on, let's talk about this! You don't want to go to bed angry!
Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...
Jane Smith: 312.
John Smith: What? How?
Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.
John Smith: (just before running over an assassin with the minivan) These f**kers get younger every year.
John Smith: Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is... you die.
Benjamin: (while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith) Can I have a soda or a juice or...
Benjamin: (Jane hits him with the telephone) A! A! Option A! Ow, that hurt.
John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.
John Smith: We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.
John Smith: (angry that Benjamin had blown their cover) You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn!
Benjamin: Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy.
John Smith: Does that include weekends?
(when asked how many times they have sex)
John Smith: It's called evasive driving, sweetheart!
Jasmine: Jane, it's your husband!
Jane Smith: We re-did the house.
Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?
John Smith: No.
Jane Smith: Me neither.