Tony Robbins: Haven`t you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio: Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?
Mauricio: You Had Me At "Get Lost".
(after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio)
Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.
Mauricio: She`s got CANKLES!
Hal: There`s Rosemary.
Hal: Right there!
Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?
Doctor: Reverend Larson? Your son is here.
Reverend Larson: Ok, sure. Send her in.
Rosemary: Is that a Member`s Only jacket?
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?
Mauricio: The thing is all the women he`s been seeing are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they`re ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.
Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!
Hal: See, the problem is I`m kinda picky
Tony Robbins: What do you mean, picky?
Hal: Well, for instance, I like `em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?
Tony Robbins: You`re looking for a young Paulina type?
Hal: Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She`s got great knockers. But she`s a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she`d have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.
Tony Robbins: Hal, don`t you think you`re being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?
Hal: Well, no! You know, I`d like her to be into culture and sh*t, too.
Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one br**st or half a brain?
Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining br**st? Is it big?
Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?
Rosemary: (sarcastically) Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?
Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I`m pretty and that I`m not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I`m not. I`m the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who`s not afraid to be funny. And I`m the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I`m not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I`m fine with that. But when you go around saying I`m something that I`m not, it`s just, it`s just not nice.
Mauricio: You can`t come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It`s called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.
(Walt puts on a pair of rubber gloves)
Nurse Tanya Peeler: What are those for?
Walt: You ever walked through a truck-stop men`s room on your hands?
Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?
Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?
Jen: High standards? In the five years I`ve known you, every woman, I should say girl, you`ve gone after has been completely out of your league.
Hal: What`s that supposed to mean?
Artie: Oh, she doesn`t mean anything by it. She`s just saying you`re not that good looking.
Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.
Rosemary: I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.
(after Mauricio broke Hal`s spell)
Hal: Okay, who do you think is the most beautiful woman in the world?
Mauricio: Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let`s say everyone else in the world thought Wonder Woman was ugly.
Mauricio: It wouldn`t matter. Because I know they`d be wrong.
Hal: See! That`s what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knock out, I don`t care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio: You`re right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?
Mauricio: Shallow Hal wants a gal.
(after Rosemary`s weight crushed a chair)
Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell`s wrong with this chair? What`s this sh*t made out of, anyway?
Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.
Walt: Don`t you read the business section?
Hal: Why, what`s up?
Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft!
Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up?
Walt: Let`s just say if I had an ass, I`d wipe it with twenties.
Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I don`t really care about the money.
Rosemary: I never read that book.
Hal: What book?
Rosemary: Things losers say.
(Jill has just propositioned Hal)
Hal: You know, there are a few times in a guy`s life - and I mean two or three, tops - when he comes to a crossroads, and he`s gotta decide. If he goes one way, he can keep doing what he`s been doing and be with any woman who`ll have him. And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe - maybe for the rest of his life. Now it seems that by taking the other road, he`s missing out on a lot. But the truth is, he gets much more in return. He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?
Tony Robbins: You got a pattern of judging women by their exterior, we can`t talk about it, we need to break it, I want you to ask yourself has there ever been a time where you have been increasingly shallow, you just looked at a woman and thought you were better then she was.
Hal: All the time.
(Tony Robbins puts his hands on Hal`s head)
Tony Robbins: (yells) DEVILS COME OUT!
Hal: What the hell are you doing banana hands?
Tony Robbins: Just hang on, remember how I told you we just got to jolt your nervous system, not just talking about it, now I want you to relax, I won`t do that again.
Hal: Ok, I didn`t mean the banana hands thing.
Tony Robbins: That`s ok.
(Mauricio has just seen Hal dancing with some unattractive women)
Mauricio: What in the name of all that is holy?
Mauricio: Uh Hal, it`s 10:00, we gotta go.
Hal: (laughing) What are you talking about?
Mauricio: We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place.
Hal: What thing?
Mauricio: Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here.
(Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor)
Hal: What are you doing?
Mauricio: I am rescuing you.
Hal: From what?
Mauricio: From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that`s what!
Mauricio: Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.
(Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls)
Hal: I`m going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.
Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?
Mauricio: That`s why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow.