Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.
Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!
Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going... take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right now, I'd step all over it...
(Shrek discovers the seven dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table)
Shrek: Oh, no no no no! Dead broad OFF the table!
Dwarf: Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
(rushes over to his bed to find... )
Big Bad Wolf: What?
(Dragon looms above Donkey)
Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have!
Donkey: I mean, white sparkly teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach or something 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there! And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know something, you're...
(the Dragon looks closer and Donkey sees she's female)
Donkey: A girl dragon... Oh, sure, I mean of COURSE you're a girl dragon! You're just reeking of feminine beauty and... hey, what's the matter with you, you got somethin' in your eye?
(Dragon blows out a heart-shaped cloud of smoke)
Donkey: Ohh... well, you know, I gotta go. I'm an asthmatic, I don't hold with smoke rings and stuff. SHREK!
(Dragon picks Donkey up and carries him away)
Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Shrek: (to Donkey) WHY are you following me?
Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why.
(starts to sing)
Donkey: 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends...
Shrek: STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey: Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that truly honest!
(Shrek enters the tournament)
Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.
(looks at Donkey)
Shrek: It's just a donkey.
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
(holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs)
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes... No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek: (peels an onion) NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake!
Shrek: I don't care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfait's gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
(Donkey thinks he's dying)
The Donkey: Oh man. I can't feel my toes.
(Looks down and yelps)
The Donkey: I don't have any toes.
The Donkey: I think I need a hug.
Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread? You know, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek: Oh, I know. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey: Uh... no, not really, no.
Captain of Guards: What have you got?
Old Woman: Well, I have a talking donkey.
Captain of Guards: Really? Well, that's good for ten shillings... if you can prove it.
Old Woman: Go ahead, little fella.
(Donkey says nothing)
Captain of Guards: Well?
Old Woman: He's just a little nervous. He's really quite the chatter box. Talk, you stupid dolt...
Captain of Guards: I've heard enough. Guards!
Old Woman: He can talk, really.
Old Woman: (moves Donkey's mouth while trying to throw her voice) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest thing you ever saw.
Captain of Guards: Get her out of my sight!
Captain of Guards: (snaps a witch's broomstick in half) Your flying days are over!
Shrek: Donkey? What are you doing?
Donkey: (gathering branches) I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!
Shrek: Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go AROUND my swamp, not through it!
Donkey: It is around your swamp! That's your half and this's mine!
Shrek: Oh, your half! Hmmm!
Donkey: Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!
(Shrek and Fiona are having dinner on the last day of their journey)
Princess Fiona: Mmmm... This is good... mmm... this is really good... what is it?
Shrek: A weed rat, cooked rotisserie style!
Princess Fiona: No kidding... Oh, this is delicious!
Shrek: Well, they're also great in stews. Now I don't mean to brag, but I make a MEAN weedrat stew!
(They both look over at the kingdom of Duloc)
Princess Fiona: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night...
Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime... I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you: swamp toad soup, fish-eye tartar, you name it!
Princess Fiona: I'd like that...
(he s*cks up a weedrat tail, and awkwardly laughs. She smiles back at him, and their eyes meet. In the background, a love ballad, "You Belong To Me," plays)
Shrek: Um... Princess?
Princess Fiona: Yes... Shrek?
Shrek: I... um... I was wondering... are you... um... are you going to eat that?
(he makes a gesture of frustration when she isn't looking. She places the weedrat in his hand, and they lean towards each other... )
Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt that day!
(the dragon has eaten Lord Farquaad and spits out his crown)
Donkey: Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
(receives applause from the crowd)
Donkey: Good evening, people.
(Shrek burps in front of Donkey and Fiona)
The Donkey: Shrek!
Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.
(Fiona burps louder)
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
The Donkey: (to Shrek) She's as nasty as you are.
(Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp)
Villager 1: There's his lair... let's get him!
Villager 2: Do you know what that thing could do? It'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin; they'll shave your liver; squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager 1: (brandishes a torch at Shrek) BACK! Back, ya beast! Back! I warn ya!
(Shrek licks his fingers and puts out the torch)
Villager 1: Right.
(Shrek roars at the villagers, rendering them petrified for some time)
Shrek: (whispers) This is the part where you run away.
(the villagers scarper off)
Shrek: And stay out!
(Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky)
The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek: That's the moon.
The Donkey: Oh, okay.
Shrek: Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.
(eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home)
Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
(big awkward silence ensues)
Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay!
Shrek: So... what did Fiona say about me?
Donkey: Ah, what're you asking me for? Why don't you go and ask her!
Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time!
Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear! Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a way.
(blows a whistle, and Dragon appears in the sky; an overjoyed Shrek grabs Donkey and cuddles him)
Donkey: All right, all right, that's enough. No one likes a kiss-ass.
Princess Fiona: (as ogre) Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: (gasps) Oh, my God, you ate the princess!
Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
(Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey)
Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!
Shrek: By who?
Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.
Gingerbread Man: God bless us, everyone!
The Donkey: (waking up) Uh... What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
(suddenly notices the guards walking by)
The Donkey: (trying to throw his voice) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey.
Donkey: All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!
Shrek: Back off!
Donkey: YOU back off!
Shrek: This is MY swamp!
Donkey: OUR swamp!
Shrek: Let go, Donkey!
Donkey: YOU let go!
Shrek: Stubborn jackass!
Donkey: Smelly ogre!
(a fairytale book appears)
Shrek: (narrating) Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.
(tears out a page from the book and shuts it)
Shrek: (laughs) Like THAT's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
(flushes toilet and comes out)
(as they approach Fiona's castle, Donkey smells the air)
Donkey: Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything!
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead!
Shrek: That's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn't no brim and it didn't come off no stone neither...
Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up!
Shrek: (to Donkey) I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? NOBODY! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
Donkey: But... I thought...
Shrek: Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.
Donkey: Okay, so here's another question: Say there's a woman who digs you, right, but you really don't like her THAT quick - now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?
Princess Fiona: Just tell her she's not your true love!
Princess Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek: (going to save Donkey) Well, I have to save my ass.
Princess Fiona: (shocked) What kind of knight ARE you?
Shrek: One of a kind.
Clockwork Chorus: (the Information Center puppets begin singing) / Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Don't make waves, stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place
Clockwork Chorus: Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place!
(the booth takes Donkey and Shrek's photo; showing them stunned)
Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again!
Shrek: (grabs Donkey) No, no, no!
Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
Lord Farquaad: (Slowly and dramatically to the looking glass) Magic... mirror... on... the wa...
Gingerbread Man: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!
(arriving at the Dragon's castle)
Shrek: Sure, it's big enough... but look at the location!
Shrek: Listen, little donkey, take a look at me! What am I?
Donkey: Ah... really tall?
Shrek: No! I'm an OGRE! You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: Really, really.
Shrek: (taken aback) Oh.
Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Er... Shrek.
Princess Fiona: (hears a roar) You didn't slay the dragon?
Shrek: It's on my to-do list, now come on!
Princess Fiona: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
(They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims)
Princess Fiona: That's not the point...!
Donkey: Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?
(Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out like a young child)
Donkey: Oh, I know! I know where he is!
Shrek: Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?
Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me!
Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's...
Princess Fiona: There's an arrow in your butt!
(looks at arrow)
Shrek: Oh, would you look at that?
Lord Farquaad: (playing with Gingy's legs) Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!
Lord Farquaad: (tossing legs away) I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
(spits in Farquaad's face)
Lord Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives down on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man...
(a squad of archers aim at Shrek)
Captain of Guards: Shall I give the order, my Lord?
Lord Farquaad: No. I have a better idea...
(Shrek rescues Fiona)
Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Princess Fiona: (nodes) Mmmhhmm
The Donkey: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark.
Princess Fiona: Why... yes!
The Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
Donkey: Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona: It talks!
Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!
Donkey: (staring at the priest) Oh, I think he already said it...
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!