Lois: I just found out your family has a little nickname for me.
Hal: What is it?
Lois: "Lois Common Denominator."
Lois: They have a special program for gifted children. They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don`t wanna waste on normal kids.
Malcolm: I did the math once; it turns out, every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.
Malcolm: Mom: 62,437. Kids: 0.
Malcolm: This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I`d only see half.
(We see Reese`s nose)
Malcolm: And this is my brother Reese`s left nostril. It squeaks... all night long.
(We see Dewey`s feet)
Malcolm: And these are the feet of our little brother Dewey.
(We see a picture of Francis)
Malcolm: This is my favorite bother, Francis. So naturally, my parents sent him off to military school.
(We see Malcolm)
Malcolm: My name is Malcolm. You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.
Lois: There`s nothing wrong with being smart. There`s nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn`t there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.
Hal: Dewey, what did I tell you about raw meat?
Dewey: (mouth full of raw meat) I`m not.
Francis: Okay, I`m going to show you guys the coolest thing you have even seen. Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey`s stuffed animals, the furrier the better.
Lois: Fate is what you call it when you don`t know the name of the person screwing you over.
Commandant Spangler: Ahh, passive resistance. The last resort for slackers and sissies.
Francis: What about Ghandi?
Commandant Spangler: Sissy.
Malcolm: Why are you so happy?
Dewey: Gorak gave me one of his Babies.
Reese: Oh Malcolm, you should see this, Francis is kicking ass.
Malcolm: What happened to this book?
Reese: I threw it at a duck.
Malcolm: Okay, so where`s your math book?
Reese: Which half?
Malcolm: Let`s just start with Geography.
Reese: I don`t TAKE Geography.
Malcolm: Yeah you do, you got a grade in it.
Reese: Oh, that can`t be good.
Reese`s History Teacher: I don`t see why you would sacrifice the good son for, well, Reese.
Lois: You don`t think I would give this one up? Let me tell you something. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat for Reese. Sure, he might have to go to Blue Collar or something, but he`ll do fine. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Reese`s History Teacher: Nobody could be that cruel to their own son.
(Francis appears in the window)
Francis: Mom, please let me come home. I`m cold and I`m hungry. Please, I`ll fix the roof, I`ll paint the house. I`ll do anything, Mom, just please let me be warm again.
Dewey: Is Malcolm a robot?
Dabney: If I wanted this kind of abuse, I`d have a conversation with my oboe teacher.
Hal: One man`s garbage is another man`s anniversary present.
(Malcolm is playing the video game "The Sims" with his family)
Malcolm: Why am I five hundred pounds?
Lois: God, they`re just boobs, lady. What`s your problem?
Reese: What am I thinking?
Malcolm: I`m smart, not psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand dogs?
Dewey: (smiles) I can.
Lois: (on phone) Hey, Francis. How`s school?
Francis: Oh, couldn`t be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I`m really starting to turn around.
Teacher: Now, kids, Malcolm may not look different from the rest of us, but he is. In his brain.
Hal: So, Dewey, I`m thinking our little
Hal: community needs a school.
Dewey: Don`t need it. Everyone`s born smart.
Hal: Aww, that`s beautiful, son. It`s a utopia.
Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal: Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.
Reese: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... Puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over...
Dewey`s thoughts: Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you`re going to be the president of Idaho, and anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.
Policeman: What is it you said you`re doing here?
Hal: We`re watching the cat.
Policeman: I don`t see a cat.
Hal: We`re not doing a very good job.
Hal: These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I`ve been up the past few nights, things aren`t going well with the wife, afraid I`m going to lose the house... Now don`t you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.
Lois: Drink your milk.
Dewey: It`s lumpy.
Lois: Then chew it.
(Reese is holding a spoonful of mashed potatoes, aimed at Lois)
Malcolm: (to the camera) It would take hours to explain the psychology of this event, so I`ll just simplify.
(points to Lois)
(points to Reese)
Malcolm: Kid with matches.
Otto: Oh. Darling, I didn`t want you to see me in my fury.
Gretchen: Otto, I love your fury. Francis, isn`t his fury magnificent?
Francis: I... try not to look at his fury.
Reese: Dewey. I finally found out why everybody`s been giving you money. There`s this kid who looks just like you and he`s been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin.
Dewey: He`s my evil twin?
Reese: No, Dewey, this kid`s a saint. You`re his evil twin.
Dewey: But, I don`t want to be an evil twin.
Reese: Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let`s go watch soap operas.
(Malcolm learned to enjoy life and to stop thinking)
Francis: (on the phone) Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
Malcolm: What`s the flavor?
Francis: I don`t know.
Malcolm: Is it chocolate?
Francis: I don`t know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it`s chocolate?
Malcolm: No. I just like chocolate.
Francis: Uhh, Malcolm, you didn`t find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?
Malcolm: I feel like crap and no one understands. Even you. You`re supposed to be my friend and you don`t even care.
Stevie: And yet... you keep... talking.
Lois: Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don`t you think? And those Henderson kids? They electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? Just remember, any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who will end up working in a car wash.
Malcolm: This shouldn`t make me feel better, but it does.
Malcolm: Now my brain is filled with mom-guilt.
Lois: You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you`ll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.
(Fixing dinner, Lois drops a roast on the floor, picks it up, begins to brush it off, and turns to find Dewey watching her)
Dewey: Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side and I didn`t see a thing.
Hal: If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.
Piama: My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn`t fit to eat the crap between your toes. Someone ought to cut that woman`s belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails."
Francis: I love you, too.
Malcolm: I never even knew we had fancy silverware. When was the last time you used this?
Lois: The night you were conceived. You want more details?
Doctor: (after Dewey`s stomach pump) He`s fine. We didn`t find any candles, but we did find some marbles. And the waistband to a pair of underpants.
Dewey: Don`t ask.
(the end of Francis` bedtime story to a group of young children)
Francis: And the little boy, about your age, was found hanging in the moonlight. Strangled by his own intestines. And there was just enough life left in him to say, (Points at all the children) `YOU`RE NEXT.`
Hal: Think they got a beer guy around here?
Lois: This is a charity event at an elementary school.
Hal: Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?
Reese: Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What`s her name?
Dewey: Ragina Tucker.
Reese: Hmm, we`ll think of something.
Lois: Hal, this isn`t funny. That behavior isn`t acceptable.
Hal: You`re right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool there will be consequences.
Malcolm: When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now.
Malcolm: Sorry, Damn. Stupid. I can`t do it. I`m stupid and I`m terrible. I s*ck at everything... and I`m fat.
(Lois demands Hal get a vasectomy)
Hal: Those parts mean a lot to me.
Lois: You`re not that guy, Hal. You never were that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.
Malcolm: That`s the way discussions go down in this family. I tell them my needs, and they say no. Then dad reveals another cartoon character he`s afraid of.
Lois: Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we would ever see is crap.